Andre’s Posture

Classiq stuff!

My next film must include a fish, a flowery apron, and a box. Photograph: Sarah Lee

FASHION DILEMMA

What will David Lynch's Dior advert look like?

Picture the scene: A woman sits in a darkened room, her pale face illuminated by the light of a streetlamp shining through the slats of a venetian blind. She is strikingly beautiful. She is crying, but she's still beautiful - not red-faced and swollen-eyed like normal people. This is because she is LADY DIOR.

LADY DIOR has a small blue Perspex box in front of her. She reaches out her slender and well-manicured fingers to touch the box. KAZZZAM!!!

LADY DIOR awakes on a beach in Miami. The camera pans out, accompanied only by the sounds of the waves crashing against the shore. We see in the distance that LADY DIOR is close to a group of bronzed and bikini-clad women and bursting-at-the-seams men pumping iron. LADY DIOR's delicate ivory skin and Parisian couture dress seem rather out of place. But who cares - she's LADY DIOR!

She gets to her feet. Suddenly an elderly lady is standing next to her. Wrinkled and stooped, she wears a flowered apron. She holds a pie. A cherry pie. A Freudian pie (a bit like American Pie).

On the sand in front of LADY DIOR and OLD LADY lies a fish out of water. Yes, literally, a fish out of water. It is flapping about, completing its final dance towards death as it suffocates in the salty air. The women watch in silence.

THE END

What does it all mean? Is the fish significant? Who is the old lady? We cannot answer these questions, because our Lynchian Lady Dior advert stops there, leaving you hungry for more pie.

MWAH ha ha ha!

For those who haven't got a clue what's just been going on, David Lynch is the director responsible for Twin Peaks, The Elephant Man and Mulholland Drive. You may have noticed our ode to him is a bit weird. That's because Lynch is known for his surreal work. He's set to direct the next 'episode' in Lady Dior's advertising campaign, furthering a secret agent-inspired story already begun by the director Oliver Dahan. Marion Cotillard will star. We can't wait ...

BANG ON TREND

Max: he's a fashion icon. Photograph: Matt Netteim/Publicity image

Fake fur

"GGGRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" That's Fashion Statement's impression of Max from Where the Wild Things Are, one of our favourite childhood protagonists and this winter's fashion muse. We bought our fake leopard-print coat as soon as the temperature dropped below 20C, but there's still plenty out there to get your teeth (and claws and paws) into. Just one word of advice - don't wear head-to-toe fake fur, or you'll end up looking like a furry Frankenstein's monster, stitched together out of polyester animal hide.

We'll start from the top and work down: for your head there's Marks and Spencer's Cossack hat. Now who wouldn't want to look like a Cossack, eh? Even Napoleon gave them a glowing recommendation:

Cossacks are the best light troops among all that exist. If I had them in my army, I would go through all the world with them.

Plus, this tribute to the sabre-wielding military men only costs £15 and will probably keep you warm in a Siberian ice storm.

Don't want to go the whole hog? Then try Urban Outfitter's furry grey earmuffs. Now you too can look like a mouse, for the princely sum of £16. Topman has a trapper's hat (£16), which will be good for those of you spending Christmas in a log cabin in the woods with only squirrels and an illuminated Santa for company.

We think Coast's Dulce jacket (£125) is rather lovely, although it does have odd contrasting sleeves which could tickle your wrists, and we like the feathery furry jacket from Asos that Jess C-M was wearing in her video this week. It only costs £60, so is pretty reasonable.

Hilariously, French Connection has a jacket that has been christened 'Zoolander'. It lives up to its name, being a mix of furry gilet and ribbed knitwear with a dirty great zip up the front, AND it's expensive at £120. To take a look click here.

If you're the kind of person who copies their friends when they get something you like, then why not go for Wallis's boxy leopard jacket. It's in their sale at £55, and we can testify to its greatness.

For the rich and dramatic types among you, we've got James Lakeland's long black coat. Apparently it was featured in Tatler - which might not be quite as good a selling point as the fact that it's got £100 off at the moment, making it a non-bargain-tastic £340.

We haven't been able to find any faux fur trousers, but we've got the next best thing ... faux fur LEGWARMERS! They come with a sort of gladiatorial/caveman binding wrapped around them because, you know, you wouldn't want them falling off mid-hunt. They're from Marks & Sparks and cost £49 (I know - who would?).

Romans and cavemen too passe for you? Then make like a Victorian with a muff. It's on a chain so you can keep it under control, and comes from Urban Outfitters for £26.

Lastly, let's look at bags. We love Debenhams faux fur leopard-print bag (£32). It has a long strap to go across the body (Fashion Statement likes a hands-free element to a bag) and it's kind of Bet Lynch, in a good way. We also like Asos's furry bag which has a chain strap, costs £22, and would be, we imagine, like carrying around a silent pet rabbit all day. Finally, check out House of Fraser's fake astrakhan bowling bag, which has been reduced to £39.50 and is both voluminous and bargainous.

FASHIONISTA OF THE WEEK (PART ONE)

Lady Gaga: a surrealist vision in red. Photograph: Ken McKay/Rex Features

Lady Gaga

We goggled, our jaws dropped to the floor, and after that we laughed our heads off. All in all, it was a painfully hilarious experience seeing the photos of Lady Gaga at the Royal Variety Performance. She's like the Baron Munchausen of fashion. Seriously, who else could get away with wearing a red PVC dress complete with Elizabethan ruff and puffy shoulders to meet the Queen? AND then be winched 20 foot in the air to play a piano that could have been designed by Salvador Dali?

FASHIONISTA OF THE WEEK (PART DEUX)

Daphne Guinness models for Akris. Photograph: PR

Daphne Guinness

We know she's been FotW recently, but we saw these adverts today and felt that the world would not continue to turn on its axis unless we got the opportunity to draw your attention to them. Daffers is the new face of Swedish fashion label Akris's handbag line, and BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL she looks UH-mazing. We think it's down to a combination of a new haircut - you will have noted that the skunk-do has gone and been replaced by a sleek black bob - combined with a stonkingly good makeup job, and possibly a touch of Photoshop magic (although obviously we cannot definitively say that computer manipulation had anything to do with anything). Wow.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"Vogue is not my personal taste, really. I think of it more as a kind of newspaper. It's reporting on what's out there, to some extent, with me editing."

Alexandra Shulman, editor of UK Vogue, tells it like it is.

FASHION GRAVEYARD

Amanda Harrington at the Liverpool Style Awards 2009. Photograph: Shirlaine Forrest/WireImage.com

Wag uniforms

This is Amanda Harrington. She is the girlfriend of Manchester City's Joey Barton. He is a footballer. Therefore she is officially a Wag and must dress in the uniform of the coven. Do not blame her for the bling overkill, the PVC boots or the bum-skimming hemline, dear readers. Instead, think back to the days of yore when the only thing you could do to jazz up your school uniform was to roll up your skirt and make sure your tie knot was huge. The only thing poor Amanda could do to jazz up her Wag uniform was to backcomb her hair into a nuclear mushroom cloud of bouffant bounciness. Amanda, we feel your pain.

SHOPPING NEWS

California-based clothing label LnA, who specialise in what we call 'boyfriend T-shirts' (loose-fitting, hip-skimming plain jersey tops), have released their Christmas line, featuring lots of ripped-up patent leather and lace leggings. It's all very good-girl-gone-bad, with a touch of gothic charm. The new line is available at Browns and Selfridges, or online at dollboutique.co.uk.

Ethical fans will be pleased to hear that Ascension and those extraordinary knitters, The North Circular, are teaming up. The knitwear label part-owned by Lily Cole uses wool from the finest ethically farmed Wensleydale sheep, so you won't even know if it's warmth or smugness you're feeling when you wrap up in their gorgeous creations. Ascension's store on St Christopher Place in London will host some real-life knitters for you to taunt with a crochet hook on 15 December from 3pm, and there's 20% off knitwear all week.

OUT AND ABOUT

The Fashion Museum's Dress of the year exhibition. Photograph: Freia Turland

The Museum of Costume in Bath has extended the run for its Dress of the Year exhibition into 2010. Since 1963, the museum has asked an expert to nominate a single outfit that sums up the fashion of each year. The collection now numbers more than 50 pieces by designers such as Mary Quant and John Galliano, as well as J-Lo's famous Versace dress from the 2000 Grammys.

Are you from northern climes and into vintage clothing? Oxfam has teamed up with fledgling vintage label Shelly Rose to hold a charity fashion show in Sheffield's Antibo restaurant on 13 December. Local design talent will be showing, including Lois, Hantu Collective and Cheeky Chic, as well as the Oxford-based designer Millysqueeze. Entertainment will be provided, and the Shelly Rose customised vintage collection will be auctioned off. The night starts at 7pm and it costs £6 to get in. For more details, visit eventsheffield.co.uk

If you're aged between 25 and 35 and have three years experience in the fashion industry under your belt, this week is your last chance to enter the British Council's Young Fashion Entrepreneur award. The six finalists will travel to Indonesia next year on an industry tour designed to foster business links, and the final winner will be announced at a special ceremony during London fashion week in September. Previous finalists have included Kerry Nixon of Vidler and Nixon and Sissy Rooney of Street Style Surgery. Applications close at 2pm on Monday 14 December.

OFFCUTS

Imogen Fox introduces you to the new list of fashion's most influential figures.

The Observer's fashion team picks out a key trend of the season. This week it's velvet.

Win a designer cuff worth £450 by entering our competition with new jewellery website GaudionBowerbank.com.

For all the latest fashion news visit guardian.co.uk/fashion

News to tell us? Email rachel.holmes@guardian.co.uk

A group of disgruntled staffers at heralded Harvard rag The Crimson said good-bye to the outgoing leadership with a group email that includes the phrases "epically unpopular," "forever-flaccid penis," and "group-fisting."

IvyGate redacted the names and has a moratorium on outing senders and recipients in their comments. But you can totally take a stab here, and/or email me with your deepest, darkest secrets.

————— Forwarded message —————
From: [redacted]
Date: Wed, 2 Dec 2009 17:53:52 -0500
Subject: Open Letter to the 136
To: [redacted]

Dear 136,

As you approach the time when you are stepping down from your positions, we will not lie that there is a collective sigh of relief and joy out of every single person in the board (except for maybe [redacted], though that may be unclear, since he can't express much emotion anyways).

I'm sure you guys are not surprised to learn that you were epically unpopular, as you probably were for most of your pre and post-pubescent lives. Although the power trip of weeks past may have given you a slight feeling of euphoria, let us assure you, as you go forth in life, you will still be losers and nerds and weirdoes.

But we digress. The more important issue here is not how much you stroke eachother's egos (or dicks for that matter—that includes you, [redacted]—that's two now, right? [redacted] and [redacted]? Do I hear a threesome—then you get your chocolate and your vanilla in one Sunday), instead, how you have left the biz board an atrocious mess that rivals that of [redacted]'s puke on [redacted] during Grand Elections. We have written an acrostic poem below to further expound upon our discontentment a la Governor Schwarzenegger:

F uck you.
U gly — Yeah yeah you ugly
C um — after your circle jerks you have together, all over [redacted]'s face
K ill — the action you performed upon the only institution that has ever
accepted you

Y ellow Fever — What half of you have, you sick fucks.
O h — oh, oh, oh, the screams of [redacted]'s orgasm from group-fisting heard
from the Quad during deliberations
U surp — the only thing that can save The Crimson now

In all seriousness, your short-sighted, insular, narcissistic mindset has damaged the culture, atmosphere, retention, and recruitment of the business. You concentrated on numbers, numbers, numbers—but just wait until we see more red because no one wants to work for an organization that lacks any humanistic qualities or fun. You have been to enough recruiting events from top firms in the country—what do they always emphasize? The people. If you had had the business acumen you purport to supposedly have, you would have realized the intangible social aspects of the board and how they affect revenue and long-term sustainability. Perhaps we cannot blame you because social skills are not your forte, however, we will forever bear the burden of the poor choice you have made as your legacy; the 136 is now a punch-line, for a pathetic joke of a year.

We're glad you got your goodies and got off to "cutting" people and wielding "power" over a student club. Congratulations. Wait for the real world, where people will see you for the pathetic, greedy, sycophantic slugs you are. Well you've effectively castrated The Crimson of it's culture - now chew on the testicles that you've cut off…thank you, 136, for your true dedication to The Crimson and history will NOT absolve you.

Do not try to attribute this to the work of one person—your witch hunts further reinforce your patheticness and make public your incompetence to even appease the people who "work under you"—except for [redacted], who truly works under [redacted]. We hope your take-away from this is not a bitter tirade from sore losers (in fact part of the undersigned are newly-elected managers), but instead a truthful letter as to the nature you have left an organization we all genuinely cared about (of course, with some humorous, albeit still truthful, puns). Though you have handed down to us little, we will be sure to speak to your legacy as tyrannical, egotistical, and bastardly.

If we were you, we wouldn't think to step foot back in The Crimson after you have vacated the premises, for we assure you, the atmosphere will not be one of welcoming embrace. We feel it is only fair to give you a rebuttal and chance to clear your mind and legacy—feel free to reply to this email.

(Dis)respectfully Submitted,

X

Word Count: 646 (foot pole up your ass)

Drop-down: [redacted]'s forever-flaccid penis

These rugrats will be coming to a failing newspaper near you this spring. They are the future of media.

[IvyGate]

Send an email to Azaria Jagger, the author of this post, at nmnevn@tnjxre.pbz

moc.rekwag@airaza.

This awesome. I also want to write a letter like this soon.